he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
