What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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