We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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