no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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