Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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