I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
