He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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