3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
