I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize