Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
