apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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