based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
this is an emotional support booty call
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
