you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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