i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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