hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Randomize
