My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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