If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
