Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
