My nipple is on Facebook.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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