I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
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