did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
