If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize