Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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