i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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