i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
