Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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