I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
