i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
