Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
