I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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