...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize