Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
