Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
