his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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