We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
