Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
