i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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