He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
