ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
50% drunk capacity currently
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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