Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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