I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
