The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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