I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
