shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
