Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
