Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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