then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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