chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Even the bartender felt bad for me
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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