now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
