She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
