well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
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