why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
The best revenge is premature balding
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
