my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
