if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
