so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
