My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
