Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
