I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
