when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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