speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize