i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
