Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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