____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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