Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think your dad took our porno
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
