if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
