he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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